Still the wanting comes in waves...

WANT. I shall wear with my snuggie, and when I get them, Necky and Tiddy Bear

Anyways, some random things that annoy me in life:

-Having no idea who you are, yet every idea of what you want...it's very problematic. Like, you think that you'll be able to figure out yourself by getting what you want but you can't get what you want unless you have some sense of self. Whatev. I'm sure it's the struggle of every 19 year old.

-When the book you want to check out of the library is checked out and won't be returned for a month (FWIW, it's No One Belongs Here More Than You by Miranda July). Then realizing what a hypocrite you are for thinking that when you've had the same books out since September. It's really the last part that bothers me. But I still want the book and all...

-Power outages when you're about to write a paper that's due in like 2 hours so that you have to trek to the other side of campus before you can write it. Still, better than power outages when you're in the process of writing a paper. And if I hadn't spilled my latte this morning so that I had to go back and get a new one, that's what would've happened. Maybe someone is watching out for me somewhere.

-Speaking of both ordering food and getting library books...this one is taken from High Fidelity, which I just finished reading...Okay I was going to quote it but I can't find the right page and eventually I'll need to get off and do my enviro reading...anyways, when you see something appetizing in a bakery display case and you don't know what it is and it's called an "ooey gooey square" and you want one but you don't want to request it by such a stupid name. Hornby used a different (and more humorous) example in the book, but that's been my predicament through my whole college career. I guess one day I'll just go in and ask to try "one of those things".

-Trying to intellectualize things that can't be intellectualized in my mind, like love and happiness and the meaning of life. Though thinking would likely provide some good solutions, some things just require feeling and not thinking. Even if I once got a fortune cookie that read "Life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think". That was the worst fortune ever, worse than the one I got (and gave to one of my dolls cause I was eating chinese with them like a good only child does in her free time) that said I'd encounter a strange party sometime soon. And not funny like any one of gotten that sounds great with "in bed" added to the end.

(But really, I can't wait til the world can stop thinking and just be.)

-Nostalgia (I like the Portuguese term "saudades" more, really). Part of me loves being disgustingly sappy and sentimental (Reason why I'm a perfect Cancerian #639), but really...Ow ow owwww. This is why feeling insted of thinking is sometimes bad.

-Otherism, or rather, the "other" accepting/embracing it. I mean, nobody should be expected to assimilate to the mainstream, but there's a point where way too many divisions are created. And building communities based off of a division that the core has made to describe the periphery seems off. And were I to completely embrace all of the ways in which I'm "other" I'd end up closing myself off from society completely in a little community of one. Though I do appreciate community building, so this could just be an ephemeral "it bothers me".

-Lighter note? It bothers me when I'm accessing the shared music folder of someone else on my school's wifi network and the songs are all mistagged and there's nothing you can do about it. But I should just count my blessings that I can listen to Avril Lavigne and Sum 41 without having to contaminate my own iTunes library (sorry if I'm blatantly referring to your library and you're reading this)

-Oh, and the fact that no matter what I do, the above video remains big enough to cover the sidebar of my blog. Gah.

Okay, that's all for now, folks.

Line my eyes and call me pretty

Random thoughts...I've been very thoughtful lately...and to think of all the work I have to do! But busywork will always be there, and the things that pop into my mind seem to be so fleeting, so best to write them down now:

-In high school a Myers-Briggs personality test I took told me that I was a very strong INFP. Our teacher had told us that most people would be in the middle for most of the categories, and that it was perfectly normal to not be a strong anything. I'm sure he didn't mean it like this, but I left the room feeling like a totally weird, unbalanced person (especially since Wikipedia then told me that only 1-5% of people are INFPs of any intensity). I mean, I love being an "idealist" as INFPs are labeled and wouldn't want to be any other way, but I feared (still fear) that having that extreme a personality would alienate me from everyone. I guess being like 97% introverted was what bothered me the most. I mean, being (or not being) thinking and sensing and judging are important, but human interaction is like the essense of life. Anyways, I'd still say that I'm very much an INFP, but that test is self-reported and I was probably in one of my many "down with people" phases...senior year of high school...yeah, definitely was. But for some reason I have a lot of faith in everything right now, even though sometimes signs point elsewhere.

TL;DR? Right about now I really like people. In another time and place, recent events in my life and the lives of many of the people I care about the most would've led me to shut myself off from the world and the awful creatures in it, but I guess I'm realizing that that's always made the situation worse for me. And this time I really didn't want to revert to being that lonely, so I looked around me and realized how many great people I have in my life. It's foolish, but I find myself forgiving everyone for everything. Life's too short to hold grudges. Some anger's good, but you don't want it to be a driving force. I can't say if people are intrinsically good or intrinsically bad...people are just intrinsically people...all living a series of ups and downs. Funny how alive you feel after a cataclysmic event; I'm just trying to embrace it all. There's really nobody I can never see myself forgiving for anything they've ever done to me(forgetting is a different story, but w/e). Logically it might be an unhealthy way to think, but INFPs aren't very logical. Really, the only people that have done unforgivable things in my life aren't people that have hurt me, but those who have hurt the people that I love. The Cancerian trait of keeping everything and everyone in my life might also play into this...also, I don't know where to squeeze this in but I just thought of how sometimes introversion/extroversion is determined by whether someone gains or expends energy from being around people, and for the first time in a while I'm seeing people as a gain and not just a drain of energy and time. So maybe I'm more extroverted in that sense, but just quiet and unassuming at the same time. If I weren't quiet and unassuming I'd be telling people about all the things in this blog instead of writing. But I am a better writer than a speaker, and maybe that's independent of personality.

-My facebook interests, once upon a time, were listed as "pretty people, pretty places, and pretty things". Part of me wrote that to be facetious, but another part actually valued that stuff. I guess I still do; well, everything in life is worth valuing and aesthetically pleasing things are so forthright that it would take a ridiculous amount of energy to ignore them that really isn't worth the missing out on something so lovely.

Okay, sorry for that awfully worded sentence. Anyways, I don't think anything in life is superficial, but sometimes I think we just label things as pretty or beautiful so that we don't have to think about what we really mean to say about something or someone we find attractive. I mean, for me pretty things aren't of value because of material worth, but because somebody took the time to make something in hopes of it bringing joy to others. And pretty places, especially in nature, connect me to everyone who's ever seen what I'm seeing at that moment; I wonder who they were and where they came from and what they felt as they stood there. And while I'm seeing God in people more and more (what would I do without Quakers?), the closest I've ever felt to a higher power was when trekking through the rocks of Capri. The walk itself that I'm referring to was actually pretty hellish, but the sight cliffs, birds, and crystal blue water are the only things that have nearly brought me to tears based on appearance alone. I mean, maybe things can come to fruition by chance, and I'm sure the islands were manipulated by humans to maximize their potential as a tourist destination (thanks, Rich Nations and Poor Nations), but that shade of blue had to have been mixed by somebody until they got it right...and people can't do that.

But what about the "pretty people" part? I mean, being attractive gets people attention and admiration and sometimes can result in a career as a model or someone's muse, but what does it really bring someone in life? I mean, there are people who I could stare at for days on end and it would bring me some sort of joy knowing that such beauty exists, and I'll admit that whenever anyone tells me I'm attractive I feel a little pang of pride. But I'm sure some of the people I find attractive are quite unpleasant and someone finding me attractive doesn't necessarily mean that they appreciate me for everything I am (though I like to think I'm a likable person in general). I consider the word "beautiful" to encompass more than just outside prettiness, but every time someone tells me I'm beautiful I wonder if they just mean "attractive". Yet I'm trying my best to believe that there is not superficial anything. I guess "attractive" is just another trait like "nice" or "honest" or "athletic" or "smart" and just another part of the world. And it should be taken as such, and should be placed on equal footing as any other characteristic anybody has. Nothing wrong with pretty things, but nothing super special about them either.

-Yet I have still felt a little empty lately. Like, I can think of all these things and I can go about my daily life and learn things and have adventures, but it seems vapid without having someone to come back and tell it all to. But I guess I'll find that someone some day. For now, that's what blogging is for...

I vant to be alone

I should find another Greta Garbo book to read...reading about her and realizing how similar I was to her and bla bla helped me when I felt horribly lonely winter of last year; and I could use the feeling of some sort of affinity with somebody right now, even with somebody who died a few months before I was born.

Yet I find myself wanting to hole up and read/listen to music/write less and less...I think that for the first time in my life I'm genuinely enjoying the presence of other people and I find myself choosing the company of others over alone time at an alarming rate. As a proud introvert (though I was recently called a "quiet extrovert" by a friend and the phrase seemed to fit...or I could just be an introverted exhibitionist, hence the blog), I don't know how I feel about this whole needing people thing.

but there's a danger in loving somebody too much, and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.

If for some reason you're still reading this:

I don't understand anything right now, and I feel like a total idiot. How silly of me to think that you were happy with me. It isn't like you said you were, like a bunch of times before suddenly having a change of heart. I don't know what to believe. I said I was going to save any angsty shit for my (friends locked) lj, and my livejournal friends are prolly gonna get an extra special earful sometime soon, but I just had to post something here, now, for some reason. So, in light of recent events, and because I've been reading High Fidelity, the bible of music and breakups (did I jinx myself by taking it out of the library when things were good?), here's a list (couldn't narrow it down to top 5, because that kind of thing's for people that have it all together) of some of my favorite break-up songs:

Fleetwood Mac- "Dreams"



There are so many FM/Stevie songs I could've gone with...I mean, Rumours is like the ultimate breakup album of all time. Heartache, Betrayal, Regret, Making the other regret way more than you--it's all there. Oh, also, this one, "Silver Springs". Nuff Said. I am sad that I couldn't find the video from "The Dance", though. There are some songs that work better with Stevie being older, with a more worn voice.



Sleater-Kinney- "One More Hour"



'For You Things Were Just Night And Day'
I'm pretty sure I was in a relationship and fairly happy when I first heard this song on XPN while driving past the mall with my mom. But I fell in love with it immediately and for some reason I knew it would be a comforting song to me, someday. So I immediately went home and googled whatever lyrics I could pick out to find out what it was. I had heard of Sleater-Kinney, but never actually heard their songs. Turns out I liked them. Anyways, raw emotion, pure talent, and right about now I appreciate having a song about a lesbian relationship around to console me.

No Doubt- "Don't Speak"



I'm pretty sure Tragic Kingdom was the first CD I owned--though I might be blocking out some Spice Girls tape or summat that I got first. Anyways, clearly as a 6 year old I didn't understand the idea of losing somebody and being in denial about it and just wanting it all to go away. It would take me quite some time to understand all that went into the song, in fact, but at the time I still could sense something so real about the song.

You know what all of the above have in common? They were written by one member of the band about another member. Like, they were chained to their exes, forced to perform/listen to songs about their failed relationships forever and ever (okay, so S-K broke up ten years later so I guess Corrin and Carrie are off the hook now, but seriously, Fleetwood Mac?). I could avoid seeing this somebody almost completely if I wanted to with no damage to say, my career. It's not like I'm touring throughout the country with her.

Anyways, moving right along...

Atomic Kitten-"Last Goodbye"



I don't know, it takes me back to when I was like 14 and was happiest when left by myself; I'm sure it's not healthy but I miss the feeling of not needing anybody.

Scandal- "Goodbye To You"



Why aren't break-ups spunky and bubblegum colored in real life? Why can't I transform into Patty Smyth right now? It was a toss-up between this song with the band or her duet with Don Henley, "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough". Actually, I'll close this list out for the time being with that one.



I've loved all these songs for a while, but never really connected (I hate that word, "connect"), with them until now. I don't know if making this list has made things better or worse, but it's let me get stuff out and that's what I needed.

all the clouds are cumuloft walking in space

So I've kept a lot of blogs in my 19.5 years on this earth (not that I've been blogging for that long, since I didn't know words for a while in the beginning and I'm pretty sure the concept of a blog didn't exist in 1990) (I still can't believe 1990 was 20 years ago. I still think of dates in the past relative to 2000). Anyways, looking back, none of them have been worth reading. My first one, a Xanga, was started when I was fresh out of middle school, so that's excusable, I guess (read it for a laugh if you want). And I've tried to keep one on my *gulp* Myspace (not even providing the link to that one...just stay away) and Facebook. And, of course, I still have my livejournal. But that seems to be a muddle of angsty musings and valid thoughts, and I thought, hey, why dont' I separate them out so I have something someone might want to read one day (someone like me, 10 years from now, who's not gonna want to cringe the whole way through). If you want to read narcissistic posts full of quiz results, boring surveys, and the "happy/crappy" of daily life, you should head over there. But if you're not into that, hopefully this'll be more your speed. Though it'll still be plenty narcissistic, since, well, why else do people start blogs?

I have a shit ton more of these social network type things floating around, most of which I've prolly forgotten about. Oh, and Twitter, too. At least I fess up to my narcissism.


Oh, and after typing this I absent-mindedly clicked on the facebook icon on my toolbar, like I always do, and freaked out cause I thought I had lost this post...but I backtracked and it was still there. Thanks, autosave!